Letters from Our Readers: Am I Enough For Him

“Hello, I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 3 years now. We have a pretty decent sex life still. It’s not like it was in the beginning, but that’s understandable. The issue is that recently while we were having sex he couldn’t stay hard. Then while we were on vacation and traveling, we both started chatting with another couple at the bar who were also visiting. Several drinks later, he asked me if I would be open to all of us having sex together. I’m very against open relationships, as one of my ex’s cheated on me. I turned and walked out of the bar. He showed up at our hotel room about 20 minutes after me. Our argument went no where, and we politely moved through the remaining day of our vacation. We haven’t spoken about it since. I want to know what I can do, and why I don’t seem to be enough for him. Any advice is appreciated."

- I’m glad you’re reaching out for some help. I see some good stuff amidst this story, which I’d like to share with you, along with some suggestions. First, he gets an A+ for not making a unilateral decision to go home with the other couple that night. Research has shown that unilateral decisions have an 87% chance of ending a relationship. Second, it sounds like you guys tried to figure it out, and then you stopped when it turned unproductive. Many other couples will ‘go for gold’ even though the fight is going no where.

The issue really isn’t about whether or not you’re enough for him. It's also not about whether open relationships really work. The real issue is that you guys have not established a way to talk about what you want for your sex life together. Couples that regularly talk about their sex life have an easier time handling problems with their sex life. Couples who never talk about how their sex life is going, and don’t bother to ask their partner about their hopes, fantasies, dreams, likes, dislikes, tend to end up in the position you experienced. Sooner or later a ‘dream’ or fantasy comes up, and it bites you both in the rear end (as it were).

- Gay Couples Institute Team